


fate brought us together, but apart

by PiggyNagi



Series: loved you then, love you still [1]
Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Slow Burn, mentioned! Choi Minki, mentioned! Ha Sungwoon, mentioned! Kang Dongho, mentioned! Kim Jaehwan, mentioned! Kim Jonghyun | JR, mentioned! Kwak Aron, mentioned! baekmin, mentioned! ongniel, nielwink if you squint, penpal au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 21:16:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13443546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PiggyNagi/pseuds/PiggyNagi
Summary: Our kind of love might be strange to others and has a lot of drawbacks than benefits, but knowing that you’re with me, I am willing to try and take this road of roses with thorns.I hope you are as well.Love,Your Ongcheongie. ❤️.a story of love made from letters, passages and mixtapes.





	fate brought us together, but apart

**Author's Note:**

> the penpal au I've been screaming about on twitter xD
> 
> time setting is from 1996 to 1998, because it doesn't make sense if this was set in 2000's, where cellphones and computers were already in the market. :).
> 
> all quotes and lyrics written in this fic were found in google and youtube.  
> the youtube links were linked in the fic. :)
> 
> as always, unbetaed and grammar mistakes are here and there, but I hope you'll enjoy. :D

Seongwu just turned twenty a few days ago when it all started.

 

He was doing his assignments in his room when his sister knocked on his door, “Seongwu, you got a letter.”

 

“A letter?” Seongwu asked his sister, confused as to why his sister suddenly had a letter for him. His sister nods, “It says it’s from Busan.”

 

“From Busan?” Seongwu questions again. _Now, why is someone writing me from Busan? I don’t know anyone there, heck I never really left Seoul since birth._

 

He made a pained whine when his sister whacked his head with the letter, “Did you clean your ears?”

 

“Sorry, noona. I was just confused as to why I got a letter in the first place.” Seongwu explains, rubbing his head to ease the dull pain.

 

“Just open it. There's no harm in reading a letter.” His sister told him. She placed the letter on her brother’s desk and asked. “Anyway, mom says we’ll have bibimbap for dinner.”

 

“Bibimbap!” He raised his fist in the air. He sees his sister rolling her eyes at him before she went to the door to leave.

 

Seongwu, upon seeing his sister leave the room, reached the letter and teared the side off, not bothering to check the address. He’s curious, why did this person write him a letter? He opens it, and reads.

 

_On the difficult days,_

_When the world’s on your shoulders,_

_Remember that diamonds are made_

_Under the weight of the mountains._

__\-- Beau Taplin // DIAMONDS_ _

 

 

_HMH_

 

“Oh, it’s really good.” Seongwu admits. He’s not into passages, poems and books, but this certain passage made him feel that he’s worth of something despite a bad day. This passage made him feel that a bad day is only a day that will shape him into a gem of tomorrow.

 

Smiling to himself, he grabbed a pen and a piece of paper when he heard his mom calling him for dinner. He answered his mom that he’s coming down and placed the letter in between the pages of the first book that he sees.

 

Seongwu was flipping the pages of his Math book on a boring discussion day when he sees the letter tucked at one of the pages of his book. Reading the passage again, he remembers that he hasn’t answered the person behind this letter. Deciding that writing a letter for the stranger is much better than listening to the things his teacher is saying, he grabs his pen and a piece of paper and writes:

 

_Hello stranger,_

 

_You’re probably wondering now why you got a letter when it’s been a weeks since you first sent yours. Well, my sister actually gave it to me when it arrived and read it immediately. However, I completely forgot to reply because my mom called me for dinner and your letter got buried with some books. Until today, I was flipping around my Math book, pretending to listen to my teacher and found your letter instead.  So, sorry for the late reply._

 

_My name is Ong Seongwu, by the way. Not Hong, not Gong, but Ong. I know it’s an odd last name, but it’s unique one, just like me. I just turned twenty a few weeks back, and am senior in high school. I have an older sister who is in college right now. We have a pet dog. Siberian Husky. They’re tough to handle, but it’s worth it._

 

_Oh, by the way, I like that passage that you sent. I accidentally brought your letter at school, read it again and wrote this letter while in class. No, I didn’t read it in front of the class, I read and wrote this letter while my teacher was discussing Math. I don’t understand the entirety of what he’s saying, so you can’t blame me if I’m interested in doing other stuff instead. Honestly, I don’t get why we have to study this crap. I mean, are we going to use the slope formula if I want to open a dance studio in the future? I don’t know y we have to find Math’s x. (I hope you get it, or else I can’t be your friend, that is if you want to.)_

 

_Enough about me. What’s your name? I am assuming that HMH is your name. Do you have siblings? Are you in high school too? Why did you send me a passage? Tell me something about yourself. Wah, I can’t believe exchanging letters to a stranger is this exciting._

 

_Anyways, I have to cut this short. My seatmate is being noisy and I can see my teacher going near him. If my teacher sees this letter, I might not be able to send it. So if you receive this letter safe and sound, it means I got out of danger._

 

_I really hope you reply to this letter. Let’s be friends!_

 

_Sincerely,_

_Seongwu._

 

After the school was over, without being sent to detention, he goes to the nearest stationary store and buys an envelope and stamps, assuming that the stranger will write him back. Slipping his letter to the purchased envelope, he seals it and pastes the stamp on the upper left corner of the envelope and writes the address indicated to the letter he received a month ago. He then went to the nearest mailbox and dropped his letter, hoping that the stranger will reply back.

 

———————-

i. ii. iii.

———————-

 

The stranger did reply him back.

 

According to the letter that he received a week after he sent his letter, the stranger’s name is Hwang Minhyun and is also a senior in high school. Minhyun said that the reason why he received a “strange” letter was because his teacher gave them an activity where they had to write something for one of the addresses listed on a random draw, and his address was the one that he picked from the said bucket.

 

Seongwu learns that Minhyun got the passage from a book that he’s been reading, and said that he likes to read poems and writes passages of them on his journal. The passage that he received was one of his favorite books, and says that that certain passage made him continue on his day even if it turns out to be horrible. After reading the passage, he firmly believed that a horrible day will make him stronger for the future, just like diamonds. After all, diamonds were once nothing special, but with under pressure and time, it becomes brilliant and spectacular.

 

He also learns that Minhyun is also fond of songs, and singing. He says that when he’s not reading books, he’s either listening songs to the radio or records himself singing his favorite songs on mixtapes. Minhyun also shares that he sometimes writes songs and poems inspires him to write one. He says he likes instruments, especially piano, but the instruments themselves doesn’t like him.

 

Minhyun says he got the joke that he wrote on the previous letter, and shares that he doesn’t understand why they have to study them either. He writes, however, that Romans didn’t find algebra that challenging, because X is always ten.

 

At the end of the letter, Minhyun professes that he wants to be his friend, and shares the passage that he recently wrote on his journal.

 

_“You don’t need someone to complete you._

_You only need someone to accept you completely.”_

 

_HMH_

 

As he finished reading the letter, Seongwu thinks he had never met (or read, based on their situation) a person that is witty but inspirational before. And that’s what he writes back to him.

 

He writes that his address must be lucky to be picked by Minhyun on a random draw, even though he finds it odd that his teacher knows his address. He also shares that he also sings, but only in the shower. However, he discloses that he’s a member of the dancing club and that dancing is his life, to the point that he wants to be a dance instructor in the future. He shares that his group once won in a dancing competition on his junior year, and the trophy is sitting on their living room.

 

Seongwu also wants to share passages with Minhyun, but he doesn’t have anything to share for he is not that into passages and books, so he plans to go to the nearest bookstore to find a book with inspirational passages on it. He sets his unfinished letter aside and went to his bed to sleep the night away.

 

 

 

“Seongwu hyung, why did you drag me here at the bookstore?” He hears his best friend whine.

 

“Shut up, Daniel.” Seongwu threatens. “I need to find a book with inspirational passages in it.”

 

Puzzled at his best friend’s sudden interest at the specific type of book, Daniel questions, “Why?”

 

“Quit asking and just help me pick a book.” Seongwu grunts, eyes quickly reading the titles at the spine of the books and picks something that interests him.

 

Daniel crosses his arms, “Not until you tell me what’s going on.” The puppy-like younger teenager taps his foot on the floor, like a countdown for Seongwu to spill the beans.

 

Seongwu, who doesn’t even look at Daniel’s direction, scans a book rapidly and places it back to the bookshelf. “I am trying to impress someone.”

 

That piqued Daniel’s interest and eyes Seongwu teasingly, “Oh, is he handsome?”

 

The latter sighs, “I don’t know.” Daniel raises his eyebrows, “What do you mean you don’t know?”

 

“We met through letters.” Seongwu says as he takes another book and reads through it. The book’s passages seem good enough, but he needs to find something more striking. His best friend furrows his eyebrows in confusion, “What do you mean you met through letters?”

 

The just-turned adult in search smacks his companion in the head, and the latter made a pained whine, “I know we’re both dumb, but I didn’t know you were this dumb.” Seongwu turns his attention back to the book he's reading, “We’re penpals, Daniel. I hope you know what that means.”

 

“Have a little faith with me, will you?” Seongwu snorts at the younger’s statement. Daniel gets a book from the shelf and reads the back cover of the book, “How come I didn’t know that all these happened to you?”

 

“Well if you stop taking a nap whenever we hang out then maybe I already shared the latest news about me.” The oldest of the two stated as a matter-of-factly, moving to the next aisle.

 

“Whatever, Seongwu hyung.” Daniel rolls his eyes, following Seongwu to the other aisle, “So, what’s the name of your penpal?”

 

“You know, what. I’ve decided on this book.” Seongwu says abruptly, effectively cutting the subject, and drags himself to the counter to buy the book. He feels his best friend on his side, but he paid him no attention and handed the book to the cute, brunette cashier behind the desk.

 

“That will be 1000 won.” The cute cashier says, seemingly not interested with him but looking straight on his best friend instead. He turns to Daniel and sees him looking at the cute cashier too, blush evident on his cheeks. Seongwu turns back to the cashier and gives him his payment, reading the name on his uniform at the same time.

 

Retrieving his book, Seongwu winks and teases, “I’m going home, Daniel. Just keep on flirting with Jihoon-ssi.”

 

He sees both of them blush as he exits the bookstore and leaves them alone.

 

 

As he reached home with his inspirational book at hand, he writes down a passage he deems very pleasing the moment he plops down his chair and sends the letter to Minhyun the next day. They continued sending passages to each other after that.

 

They also learn more about each other with every letter that they send and receive.

 

Seongwu learns that Minhyun likes to clean, loves it even. The latter shared that he can’t sit still if he sees a speck of dust, and his mom says he appreciates his willingness to clean the house. He also wrote that he’s involved at the choir both in school and church. Minhyun congratulates him for winning the dance competition, and shares that he’s planning to join the upcoming singing contest at their school.

 

Seongwu writes that he’d love to hear him sing. Minhyun sends him a mixtape of his recorded songs along with his letter.

 

Seongwu was entranced by his penpal’s beautiful voice playing on his walkman.

 

He writes that Minhyun will definitely win the singing contest.

 

A few days later, Minhyun tells him that he did win first place.

 

———————-

iv. v. vi.

———————-

 

He can’t believe he’s informing Minhyun about the bunch of his loser friends.

 

It started when Minhyun shared he’s practising singing with his four friends, who also happened to be in one band. He wrote that they met since middle school and they have been inseparable ever since. He also wrote about their adventures together throughout the years.

 

Like there was this one time when Minhyun and his friends were hanging out in karaoke.  Aron, the oldest among the group and recently moved in the country from America, was singing a fun, English song when Minki, his eccentric friend, immediately butts in and sputter incomprehensible English rendering Aron unable to sing and all of them howling in laughter.

 

Seongwu writes that he has a friend like that, and his name is Jaehwan. He shares that you should not put a song while he’s singing, because he won’t care if it’s your turn to sing, he won’t pass you the microphone and sing the song you put on the machine. He writes that they let him sing his heart out and tire himself on order for them to sing at least one song.

 

Minhyun shared that a month ago, when they were hanging out at the local amusement park, they were bored out of their wits. Minki doesn’t want to ride the horror train, and Aron was scared of high roller coasters so they decided to ride the roller coaster for kids, but with a twist. Minki accidentally brought his mother’s lipstick at that time, so he suggested that they ride the roller coaster and draw on their lips using the cosmetic without stains going out of the lips. The loser will pay for their lunch. Unfortunately, him and Dongho lost the game.

 

Seongwu shares that his best friend, Daniel, hates horror trains too. But him and his group of friends are not considerate like Minhyun’s group of friends, so they still pushed Daniel inside the house of ghosts despite his best friend’s protests. Their ears became deaf for a minute the moment they were out of the train because of his screams, but their amusement with Daniel’s scared expression made his best friend think about changing his group of friends.

 

Minhyun shared his friends could be annoying, too. One time when they decided to meet at a cafe to discuss a school project, Minhyun was late at their meeting time, so Dongho and Jonghyun thought that pranking him would be a great idea to punish him for his tardiness. The moment he came in, panting because he ran just so he won’t keep his friends waiting for so long, they passed him a drink, assuming that they gave him coffee. With that thinking, he drank the drink offered to him without hesitation and sputtered it all over the table, only to find out that the drink offered to him was a diluted soy sauce. His friends roared in laughter, while he’s coughing and catching his breath at the same time.

 

Seongwu writes when he decided to be a humble friend for once in his entire life. One time, they were at an arcade and Sungwoon saw a punching machine so they made a bet to see who will lose at the certain game. The loser has to wear makeup in school, and it should be the winner putting it on the loser. His friend punched first and got a score that made Seongwu confident with his punching skills. He scoffs at Sungwoon’s score and shows him a simulation of what a true punch looks like. His turn to punch came and the force from his fist to the punching machine made a blast. However, he dropped himself in anguish when the score was a hundred lower than his friend’s score. The next day, he came to school in full, girlish makeup. The stares that came from his teachers and classmates and the cackles from his friends will forever ring and be imprinted in his mind.

 

On the other hand, both of them had written that they treat their friends like their own family, a shoulder to cry on, like a guru to ask for life advice. That behind all the pranks that they do with each other, there is no denying that they love each other like siblings.

 

Seongwu also writes that he wants to see his dumbfounded expression. Minhyun, after sharing more pranks from his friends, wrote that he wants to see his embarrassed expression, too.

 

On their next letters, they exchanged photos with each other, capturing their own said expressions. They gave each other nicknames after that.

 

Seongwu is Minhyun’s Ongcheongie and Minhyun is Seongwu’s Hwangcheongie.

 

———————-

vii. viii. ix.

———————-

 

Out of nowhere, Minhyun asks him about his first relationship and his opinion about love.

 

Minhyun shared that his first relationship was with one of his friends, Dongho, but it’s more like an experimental relationship. They held hands, they kissed, but the relationship itself was suffocating for both of them so they called it quits and became just friends instead, with no malice and bad feelings.

 

Because of that bad relationship, Minhyun thought that love is ridiculous. It doesn’t make sense to him how two people can love each other through friendship. But, it also doesn’t make sense to him how two strangers can love each other without getting to know each other, which then leads to friendship and the rest is history.

 

He also can’t understand how movies could portray love, how movies make it seem like being in love was an easy task. _It was never easy_ , Minhyun wrote. Taking his and Dongho’s relationship, he wrote that when they were together before, they had more petty fights that lead into not talking each other for a week than happily talking about everything under the sun.

 

Seongwu writes his opinion, stating that love just not the same as how they portrayed it to movies. Movies always make sure that the two protagonists are well matched with each other, throw in a plot on how they fell in love, portray a disgusting happy ending and finish. Whereas it is a different story in reality. He writes that not everyone you meet is compatible with your personality. But even if you do meet someone who is in tune with you, sometimes other factors affect the relationship. Like the type of partner that a person wants to be with.

 

Seongwu shares he haven’t been in a relationship before, but he had his first love. He writes that his first love was his best friend, Daniel, who is two years younger than him. What made him fall in love with him was his child-like antics, but he becomes the matured one when you ask him advice about life in general. He can feel that they were like-minded, heck they became best friends because of that. But he can also feel that their level of harmony was up to being best friends only, and that’s what made him fall out of love with him.

 

He says that for him, love is strange. It’s just up to the person how strange love is for them.

 

———————-

x.

———————-

 

_Ongcheongie,_

 

_Do you know how it feels to finally have something you’ve always been waiting for? But do you also know how it feels to have that something be far away from you at the same time?_

 

_I didn’t know that feeling, until something happened that made me realize that I’ve been feeling that for a long time._

 

_Jonghyun says I must be falling in love again, but I call bullshit. This is not what love felt when I dated Dongho. Sure, we’re friends before and after that short, experimental relationship but this feeling that I’m feeling right now is different._

 

_I remember the dream that I had about him. I’m running on a path of roses with thorns on their stems, just to be trapped in an invisible glass. That person that I’m running for had his back towards me, and heard my calls for him, but instead of coming closer, he’s not moving an inch. I saw his bleeding feet too, because he’s running on a path the same as mine. I told him to not run anymore, but he just turned around and stayed there, observing me from afar with a blank look on his face._

 

_But seeing him with that blank look made me realize that despite my bleeding feet, I want to make him smile even if I can’t touch him at all. We may be separated by an invisible glass, but that is not a hindrance at all. I want to erase that blank look on his face by making him laugh, even from far away._

 

_Maybe I am falling in love with him. Do you agree with Jonghyun that I’m falling in love? If yes, then what do you think i should do?_

 

_Falling in love is like the rain,_

_You can’t predict it, but you_

_can always see the signs of it_

_Before it completely falls._

 

_HMH_

 

 

 

 

_Hwangcheongie,_

 

_I’m no expert in love, but I have to agree with Jonghyun. I also think you’re falling in love with this person you’re talking about._

 

_The fact that even in your dreams, you wanted to see him smile, make him laugh, and hear his voice while you’re hurt is a sign that you are indeed falling in love with this person. The fact that you’re willing to take all the pain and suffering, just to be with him is also one of those signs._

 

_And I think you should take a step further._

 

_Be a brave man and confess. Charm your way to his heart and confess the Minhyun way. I might not know how you’ll do it, but just be yourself. And everything will be alright. I promise._

 

_When you get the feeling to go for it,_

_Don’t hesitate._

_The worst thing that could happen_

_Is that you run out of time to do_

_What your heart begged you to do._

 

_OSW_

 

 

Dragging his heavy feet to the mailbox on a starless night, Seongwu walks slowly with his letter clutched at his hands, ready to be sent to Minhyun. There is a dull feeling on his chest, but he dismisses it, thinking it’s just fatigue playing its role. He hadn’t realized he’s holding his letter to Minhyun tightly until he’s ready to drop the letter to the mailbox. He contemplates, as the letter hangs in between his hands and the slot, if he should send the letter to Minhyun or not.

 

But he also ponders, why is he having second thoughts about it?

 

Seongwu reluctantly lets go of the letter, feeling something ambiguous sinking on his chest. He shakes his head, and walks back to his home under the starless night.

 

Minhyun replied, a few days later, saying that he’ll think about Seongwu’s advice.

 

———————-

xi. xii.

———————-

 

Senior graduation is coming soon, and it’s been three weeks since Minhyun wrote him anything. Seongwu sent him a letter, asking him what happened to his confession, but he haven’t received anything from Minhyun yet.

 

Saying that Seongwu is curious would be an understatement. He is worried to the core, and keeps asking himself questions after questions. _What happened to him? Did he get rejected by his crush? Did he get into an accident? Why didn’t he inform me he’s going to be busy?_ And the worst part of his thoughts was, _Was he murdered?_

 

Shaking his head in attempt to chase away his thoughts, Seongwu sees his best friend on a table in the cafeteria, slides on the seat in front of Daniel and sighs. Even though Daniel is reading his comic, the big sigh doesn’t go unnoticed by the younger.

 

“What’s wrong, hyung?” Daniel says as he puts his comic down to give his attention to his best friend.

 

“I don’t know. I—” Seongwu sighs again, dejectedly. “I am just worried about Minhyun. He hasn’t sent me a letter for three weeks. Three weeks, Daniel. I wonder what happened to him.” He continues to ramble on his best friend. “I mean, he could’ve just wrote that he’s busy, since he shared he had a reputation of being the first place in his class. I‘m also a graduating student, you know, and I understand him because I’ve been studying my butt off too.” He pauses and looks at Daniel desperately for answers with his unspoken question, “But every time I take a break from studying, my mind’s been drifting off into thinking about him. I am so worried and scared. I really hope he’s okay.”

 

Daniel, after listening intently to the older’s rambling, asks him. “Hyung, who is Minhyun to you?”

 

“He’s my friend, Daniel. A friend from far away. Why are you asking me that?”

 

“Let me rephrase the question, hyung.” Daniel says, holds his hands together and leans closer to Seongwu, “What do you feel about Minhyun?”

 

The latter thinks and frowns, couldn’t answer the question. He wants to answer Daniel, but his words and thoughts were all jumbled in his tongue, mind and heart.

 

“Go home, hyung. Think about it, and then talk to me when you realize what you really feel.”

 

 

 

_“What do you feel about Minhyun?”_

 

Lying down his bed after an exhausting study session, he can’t help but repeat his best friend’s words in his head. He really tried to answer his question, but no answer came up from his trusty, but rusty, head.

 

His thoughts then drifted to a certain Hwang Minhyun. _What happened to him? What is he doing right now? Is he really okay?_ With that in mind, Seongwu got up from his bed, grabbed a pen and paper, wrote down his worries and for Minhyun to update him about his life in general.

 

It’s late, but that didn’t faze Seongwu into finding the nearest mailbox to slot his letter to. While walking, he kept thinking about Minhyun. _He must be busy, was he eating his meals? Was he sleeping alright, or is he stressed in his studies just like me?_ He thinks.

 

At the first mailbox that he sees, Seongwu remembers the ache in his chest when he told Minhyun to confess. The dull feeling at that time came back, but this time, that dull pain slowly grew into a stronger force. His heart feels like there’s a hammer pounding on its thin walls, vibration visible to the naked eye. He almost can’t breathe.

 

He drops his letter at the mailbox slot. As it drops, he felt his heart dropping with it too. His eyes widened at the feeling. At the realization, he asks himself,

 

_Did I fall in love with Hwang Minhyun?_

 

_But it’s too late._

 

_I’m not the one Minhyun fell in love with._

 

———————-

xiii.

———————-

 

“Seongwu, you got letter!”

 

The young man thought he never ran that fast before. His sister was visibly surprised at how fast his brother went out of his room.

 

“I didn’t know you could get up that fast.” His sister says amusely as he hands him his letter, “If I knew it earlier on, I would use that to make you get up every morning and help us in the chores.”

 

“Shut up, noona.” Seongwu says as he snatches the letter and retreats to his room.

 

Graduation passed by, and yeah he’s happy that he finally graduated high school. But that happiness was nothing compared to his euphoria when he finally received Minhyun’s letter.

 

He opens the envelope. But instead of a letter, he receives a mixtape instead. He hurries to his walkman on his desk, lies down on his bed and plays it.

 

He hears Minhyun’s voice sing the love songs according to the playlist written on the cover of the mixtape. His lovely voice was music to his ears, like a blanket wrapping him up to keep him warm, or a honey dripping sweetly on his bread. Seongwu swears he has never fell this deeply in love before.

 

His realization with his feelings a month ago made him feel dumb. He doesn’t know at which letter did he exactly fall in love. However, he didn’t realize he’s expecting Minhyun’s letter every week, and he’s writing him back every week. He also didn’t realize that it became a part of his everyday life until Minhyun decided to not write him back for weeks. He actually talked to Daniel and answered his question he had asked last month, and the younger only said that he was glad he realized it sooner.

 

“But it was too late”, he said to him that day, “He’s already in love with someone else.”

 

The walkman stops before his thoughts went to somewhere else. He checked if all the songs on the guide were already played. However, he sees that there is only one track written on side B with a title, ‘my heart’. Curious, he changes the tape to side B and plays.

 

 _“Ongcheongie,”_ He hears Minhyun at the start of the track, and felt shivers on his spine.

 

 _“Because you’re dumb, I bet you just played this track curiously without giving the title a second thought. I know I’m right, don’t deny it.”_ He laughs, because Minhyun’s reasoning was spot on. It amazes him how well they knew each other even if they just exchanged letters. It’s like they knew each other since their toddler days.

 

 _“Anyways, I am sorry I wasn’t able to respond to your letters. I’ve read it, I really did. I just wanted to have some time to sort out my thoughts and my feelings,”_ He hears him pause and take a deep breath.

 

 _“For you.”_ Seongwu sits back up and listens more, heart beating fast on his chest.

 

_“I know it’s strange how someone can fall in love with just an exchange of letters, pictures and mixtapes. But isn’t that what you told me what love is? They say love is blind, but ever since you told me that love is strange, I believed your words. At first, I thought strange as in ridiculous type of strange. But with what I’m experiencing right now, my opinion of strange changed. It became strange, as in a beautiful kind of strange. Then this beautiful strange feeling became an anticipating moment, shifted into normal occurrence, and then it turned into longingness to be with someone you love._

 

 _And just in case you’re still doubting about what you’re hearing right now, I am going to say it to you through this mixtape.”_ Seongwu hadn’t realized he’s holding his breath.

 

 _“I love you, Ong Seongwu.”_ The mentioned person chokes.

 

 _“I don’t know which letter made me start falling in love with you. Or if it’s your ridiculously cute picture that you sent me a few letters back, which I actually keep on my wallet. I always look at it whenever I think about you, which is everyday.”_ He hears Minhyun chuckle to himself. He can feel his face burning with heat and hear his heart skipping a beat. _“As you quote on that advice letter that you sent, I also don’t want to run out of time. At that time that I didn’t write anything, I realized that I don’t want to read that you’ve fallen in love with someone else without me telling you how I truly feel. I don’t want to regret anything.”_

 

_“I love you, Ong Seongwu. I hope I’m not too late. Take care.”_

 

Minhyun made a sound like a kiss at the end, and the recording stops.

 

He has no time to squeal. He bolts out of his room, still on pajamas, with only the walkman on his hand. He runs to Daniel’s house, to his best friend who knows him better than himself.

 

 

 

 

Seongwu rings the doorbell to his best friend’s house almost every second, pacing and biting his lip each time in panic. Daniel quickly comes out and opens their gate to let Seongwu in, and both of them rushes inside the house. Daniel went to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water while Seongwu continued to pace in the living room.

 

“Hyung, what is wrong with you?” The younger asks, passing the water to the older.

 

He drinks the offered water into large gulps and places the glass to the coffee table, “Minhyun confessed. He says he loves me.” Seongwu announces, still pacing frantically back and forth. “I don’t know what to do, Dan. Help me.”

 

“How did he confess?” The younger asks, made a move to sit at their sofa.

 

Seongwu turns to him sharply and gives him the walkman, “He sent me a mixtape with the recording of his confession.”

 

At the given opportunity, Daniel listens to the recorded confession, while Seongwu continues his pacing. Seongwu, at his peripheral vision, sees his best friend nodding in approval. When he was finished, the younger gave the walkman back to the older.

 

“So, are you going to accept it?”

 

“I don’t know! That’s why I came here.” Seongwu says, flailing his hands in the air as he paces back and forth.

 

“Let me rephrase the question, hyung.” Daniel starts, “Are you willing to try this kind of relationship? I mean, I can list some advantages and disadvantages of this whole situation for you if you want me to.”

 

The older stops from his tracks and looks at Daniel, speechless yet again at his abrupt, straightforward question. The younger stands up from his position and gently guides Seongwu back to the door.

 

“Go home, hyung and think about it.” Daniel says as he pushes his best friend out of their house. “Seriously, hyung. You are interrupting my love life with your love life.” He sees his puppy-like best friend close the door in his face. Seongwu has no choice but to walk home slowly and think about it.

 

As soon as he reached the comforts of his room, he grabs a pen and paper and writes;

 

_Minhyun,_

 

_I told you that love is strange, but I never told you how strange it was for me. For me, love is strange but in a mysterious kind of way._

 

_Mysterious because you don’t know when love will happen, what made love happen and why love happens. Tonight, I learned that there is an additional mysteriousness in love. It is mysterious because you don’t know who you will love, what exactly made you love that person, and why you love that person._

 

_But I guess the reason why they say it’s “loving someone special” because loving someone is indeed, a special phenomenon._

 

_I love you too, Hwang Minhyun._

 

_Our love is special and unique to everyone else because well, who else falls in love with only an exchange of letters, pictures and mixtapes? But I guess our nicknames for each other fits us very well. We are both idiots, but idiots in love._

 

_Our kind of love might be strange to others and has a lot of drawbacks than benefits, but knowing that you’re with me, I am willing to try and take this road of roses with thorns._

 

_I hope you are as well._

 

_Love,_

_Your Ongcheongie. ❤️._

 

———————-

xiv. xv. xvi.

———————-

 

They were in a honeymoon phase in the first few months of their long distance relationship.

 

The once exchange of letters about their lives evolved into romantic love letters. The exchange passages about life in general became an exchange of poems about love. The exchange of funny photos of themselves shifted into a romantic one. The sweet, innocent exchange of mixtapes turned into a mixtapes full of love songs. Seongwu thinks that although odd, this is the love that he dreamt of when he was a kid.

 

 

University started that month and both of them were busy adjusting to their college life. They met their old friends, new professors, and new acquaintances, but that did not faze them from writing letters each other.

 

The letters may have decreased, but their love for each other haven’t faded.

 

Seongwu passed by a store and saw a bracelet with a fox pendant on it. Oddly, it reminded him of his lover. The fox’s eyes reminded him of Minhyun’s, and the latter’s cheekbones reminded him of the fox’s snout. With enough money on his wallet, he bought the bracelet and sent it along with his letter.

 

Minhyun, in return, had sent him a bracelet with a seal pendant on it, and said that a seal resembles Seongwu a lot. He shared that when he saw it on one of the shops on his way to university to enroll, he didn’t buy it right away because he’s a struggling soon-to-be a university student dependent on his parents’ allowance. So he asked the owner to let him keep it for him and he will buy it when he had enough money. And he did buy it after a month of saving up.

 

Along with the bracelet was a mixtape, but unlike the mixtapes that Minhyun had sent over the months, this mixtape has only one song in it. Seongwu already heard Minhyun’s voice on the mixtapes that he sent, but that was the time when their love was still blossoming and the former could tell that the songs felt different. On the previous mixtapes, Minhyun was only singing because Seongwu requested him to sing, like an exchange between friends. However, this song that Minhyun sang was dedicated especially to him. The butterflies that were once sleeping in Seongwu’s stomach started fluttering when he heard Minhyun’s sweet voice.

 

_‘Cause I’m a pilot anywhere_

_Lighting star, shooting star_

_I’ll give you my galaxy._

_‘Cause I’m a pilot anywhere_

_‘Cause I’m your pilot by your side_

_I’ll pluck those stars_

_And give them to you,[my galaxy.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYD6OoMcQSU) _

 

Seongwu had been humming the song every time. He never thought he’ll fall in deeply in love with someone like this.

 

———————-

xvii. xviii.

———————-

 

Seongwu writes Minhyun that he had a dream about him.

 

Dream Seongwu and Minhyun met for the first time on a train station.

 

Dream Seongwu was waiting anxiously for Minhyun because the latter decided to finally visit his lover. Seongwu recalls feeling excited to see Minhyun, but he was also nervous at the same time. He was insecure, because he thought that Minhyun might be disappointed with him. Seongwu felt that the letters, polaroids and mixtapes that he had sent to Minhyun doesn’t really justify who he really is. He felt like he wasn’t able to let Minhyun know his personality through his letters.

 

But the feeling of doubt to himself threw out of the window when Dream Seongwu saw Minhyun coming out from the train doors.

 

Once their eyes met, they stayed rooted on their feet, as if asking each other if everything was real. Dream Seongwu saw Minhyun smiling as he stepped forward, and ran towards him. Seongwu started running towards him as well and as they met halfway, they hugged each other tightly, as if tomorrow doesn’t exist.

 

The couple in Seongwu’s dream reluctantly let go of the hug, and had their first kiss on the train platform. Finally feeling Minhyun’s lips on his, Seongwu wrote that he felt ecstatic. A euphoria that he never wants to end.

 

But unfortunately, dreams have to cut short. But the feeling on Minhyun’s lips lingered on his own as if it was real. As if everything was real.

 

Minhyun replied back, saying that he dreamt about Seongwu, too. It started when they exchanged photos, continued even when he decided to gather the feelings that he has for Seongwu. The way Minhyun described his dream was vague, but anything Minhyun writes and shares are precious to him.

 

Seongwu noticed that there are two papers on Minhyun’s letter. Usually, Minhyun writes everything in one piece of stationary, so having two sheets of it makes him question if Minhyun sent it by mistake. But, having a curious nature in his system, he still reads the second letter anyway.

 

_Seongwu-ah,_

 

_You might be wondering why there’s a second page, when usually I only give you one page full of my thoughts and my love for you. But I want to describe how vivid my dream was on a separate piece of stationary, and how it made me feel, because I think you deserve to know._

 

_When I saw you on my dream, you were glowing under the moonlight._

 

_Because in my dream, we made love for the first time._

 

_I still remembered how beautiful you looked under the stars, face illuminated with the light coming from the flames of the bonfire. I sat beside you, observing you roasting a marshmallow on a campfire._

 

_You turned to me and said something, but I wasn’t able to hear what you’re saying. Maybe in my dreams, your voice must be on mute or it got drowned with the sound of waves crashing to the shore and flames dancing with the air._

 

_Dream me got frustrated because I can’t understand what you’re saying. So I kissed you instead, pouring my love for you in the kiss. You must have felt it too, because you also kissed me with the same fervor that I did._

 

_We lied down on the blanket, continued kissing under the moonlight.  It was getting warmer that I thought someone brought more wood to the fire for it to stay ablaze through the night, so I removed my top in order to ease the heat that I felt. You must’ve felt warm too, because you also removed yours the moment I flung my top out of the way. But then I realized that we were at a deserted beach._

 

_Your hands were cold when you started caressing my body, but the cold felt like warmth that I can’t explain. Your hands are like ice that could burn me when directly exposed to it, but dream me thought that your touch was amorous instead._

 

_In my dream, I learned that your body was sensitive to touch. I felt you shivering and arching your back when I ran my hands on your sides and left marks on your chest, saw your lips moaning to my touch silently. Your nails were digging at my back when I paid attention to your buds. If this was not a dream, I would’ve felt the pain. But I realized that it was a dream, because instead of paying mind to the pain, I enjoyed seeing your face contort with pleasure under my touch instead._

 

_It’s getting warmer again, but instead of removing my jeans, I asked you with my eyes if I could remove yours first. Dream you granted me permission, smiling at me like a child who received a sweet candy. We kissed as you helped me remove my jeans, and paid no mind to the cold that breezed in our imaginary bubble._

 

_Dream me prepared you for the act that will make us both feel like we’re in heaven. Your body writhed under my touch, and your face twisted in pain. I placed featherly kisses on your face in hopes of easing it. Several minutes later, I penetrated you with my manlihood. But I guess my fingers were nothing compared to it, because your eyes shined with tears and you bit your lips so hard that I thought it will bleed. I whispered sweet words to your ears, hoping that you will pay attention to my voice instead of the splitting pain that you must’ve felt. It must’ve worked because after minutes of waiting, you kissed me, as if telling me that you’re okay and you’re ready._

 

_We were moving in a perfect harmony and then suddenly, I thought that we are not in heaven at the moment. We are in paradise. Because in heaven, it only consisted of bright lights and singing angels. Whereas in paradise, trees, rivers and rainbows could be seen in it and Adam and Eve makes it complete. In my paradise, beyond the trees, rivers and rainbows, we are Adam and Eve. You make my life complete. You make me complete._

 

_You and I released the seeds from our paradise almost at the same time. Your face that was once contorted from pleasure turned into a face of satisfaction, relief and bliss. We stared at each other and I saw the stars illuminating in your eyes. When I saw that euphoria in your face, I blurted out that you looked beautiful under the moonlight, like a galaxy into the space. You smiled at me tiredly, kissed me and told me something. I knew you told me you love me, but I can only read it on your lips and wasn’t able to hear anything except for the crashing waves and the wild beating of my heart._

 

_I hoped that this wasn’t a dream. But it is, and I wish this feeling won’t just stay as a dream. And I wish that when the dream turned into a reality, I could finally hear you saying that you love me._

 

_I love you, my Ongcheongie._

 

_Love,_

_Your Hwangcheongie. ❤️._

 

Seongwu, satisfying himself after he read the second letter, writes back that maybe Minhyun should be an author of a book. Because his words felt like everything is surreal.

 

———————-

xix. xx. xxi.

———————-

 

Their exchange of letters decreased even more as the time passes by, and Seongwu was very much upset.

 

They reason that they’re both busy with their freshman year, and he gets it. Minhyun became part of the student council and the vocal club, while Seongwu became a part of the dance club. But their lack of communication made him miss his lover so much.

 

And it hurts him deeply. However, he doesn’t want to write Minhyun about it.

 

He’s afraid he might come out as a clingy, far away lover that might annoy Minhyun so much. And as much as he misses him, he wanted to be a patient lover who will make Minhyun appreciate his efforts.

 

But the longer he waits for Minhyun to write him back, the longer his mood drags out, and his friends were done with his unnecessary moping.

 

So one night, Seongwu had no choice but to let them drag his body to a college party to make him ‘forget Minhyun’.

 

And sure, the party made him momentarily forget Minhyun. A party became parties, and each attended party and glasses of booze really made him forget about the pain in his heart.

 

Every time he wakes up in the morning with a splitting pain on his head, he asks himself why was he partying all night, and why is he doing this to himself.

 

And then he remembers the main reason and the pain in his heart comes back full force. And every time his heart clenched in pain at the reminder, he can’t help but grab his walkman and listen to the voice of the person he misses the most.

 

And the cycle repeats over, and over.

 

———————-

xxii.

———————-

 

_Minhyunnie,_

 

_How are you doing? I may sound like a clingy lover but it’s been two months since you last sent your letter. I hope you’re not skipping your meals, and you’re sleeping on time._

 

_I didn’t want to bother you with my letters because I know you’ve been busy and both of us are, so I didn’t write one since the last time. But I don’t think I could take this longing anymore. I miss you so much._

 

_I know this kind of relationship was strange, but we promised each other that we would try, right? That we would make this work. However, why does it feel like both of us are not trying harder to keep this going? It’s getting harder for me to love you like this. I want to see you, hug you, kiss you but distance prevents me from doing it. I can’t simply leave Seoul to search for you in Busan because we have responsibilities in our own places._

 

_I kept on thinking if we should continue doing this, because it’s starting to take a toll on me. I went back to your letters and read about your dream when you were still confused about falling in love. Was that person you’ve dreamt about, me? If it was, i thought that we should’ve took that dream as a warning, not as a sign of a blossoming love. Maybe the dream me in your dream thought that this path that we’re running in made us both hurt. We may have not seen it few months back, but I am seeing it now, feeling it now. Maybe the imaginary glass that you’ve said you’re trapped in was not really an imaginary glass, but the distance between us is what made us both trapped. Maybe the blank look that you saw on my face at that time was not really a blank face at all, but a hurt expression instead._

 

_Do you still want to continue what we have? Can you come back to me?_

 

_Please, reply back to me. I love you, Hwang Minhyun._

 

_And in that moment,_

_I swore that nothing in this universe_

_Could be so heavy as the absence_

_of the person you love._

\--  _Beau Taplin // The Absence_

 

 

_OSW_

 

———————-

xxiii.

———————-

 

Seongwu thinks his letters doesn’t reach Minhyun anymore, so he records himself singing instead for the first time.

 

He managed to convince Jaehwan to play the guitar to help him with his plan. And the younger agreed immediately, already knew about the story behind the plan. Knowing the situation, neither of them said a word with each other when they met in Seongwu’s room to execute the plan. The latter grabbed his blank mixtape, placed it inside the radio that can record voices.

 

If you told Seongwu few years back that he’ll fall in love with someone he had never met before, and he would sing and record a song for that someone, he would surely laugh at your face and say it’s nonsense and ridiculous. But here he is now, pouring his heart out with all the sadness and heartache that he felt for the last few months.

 

Seongwu thinks that this is his last straw, and Minhyun’s last chance. A song that will let Minhyun choose if he still wants to continue this or not, a permission granted or denied. If Minhyun doesn’t respond to his song, he’ll stop. He’ll stop chasing after something that doesn’t want to get caught. He’ll stop looking for someone that doesn’t want to be found. He’ll let go of him, let the memories go, let his heart go, locked away and never to be found.

 

_Sleep is coming,_

_It comes at the end of these thick tears_

_In my room, out the window_

_I spend many nights with your memories_

 

_In this dream that I’ve gotten used to,_

_Carefully, I’ll prepare for separation_

_I can’t even change your heart in my dream_

 

_When will I be able to forget you,_

_When I open my eyes,_

_it’s already Thursday and again Tuesday_

_Now even time is passing quickly_

_When I want to keep you in a little bit more_

 

_No matter how much I turn back your memory_

_Those words, I cannot avoid_

_At the end of separation,_

_I turn back._

 

_Slowly, the approached moment of separation_

_Slowly, your further distanced heart_

_I will slowly start to believe it_

 

_Slowly, the stacked up emotions_

_Slowly, the gathered memories_

_Someday, I will slowly forget them,_

_[Andante](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Sej-ogEdWs) _

 

Minhyun never wrote back. Seongwu tried, but he’s tired of trying.

 

———————-

xxiv.

———————-

 

_Minhyun,_

 

_Tell me, why does love end?_

_I don’t know why._

_Why are things that disappear, so beautiful?_

_Maybe it’s just a daydream.[Love is a daydream.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPs_5uq1rEU) _

 

_OSW._

 

**Author's Note:**

> do you think seongwu sent the last passage to minhyun?
> 
> let me know what you think by commenting below, screaming at me on [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/PiggyNagi), or if you want to curse at me for how this ended (in a good way, i hope) sprinkle some water on my dead [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/PiggyNagi)


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